The Great Escape
A Journey through imagination and chaos
ISM’s Ugh..
Escapism a ugly word, maybe it is a trigger for me being a recovering alcoholic and alcoholism running in both sides of my family. But that is a disease and when I put escape in front of ism, it reminds me of turning to my bottle of vodka to escape from anything and everything. I would say this was not a healthy form of escape but more so a way to cope, function and avoid all feelings. Daydreaming in an imaginary world when I was in addiction was not a happy place. But my great escape to feel safe was that damn bottle. That damn bottle was my solution to everything. The dark place I was in was lonely, painful and yet comfortable. I could escape in a drink and just pretend the world wasn’t moving. No one to tell me what to do, tell me what I was doing wrong and no one to tell me my drinking was out of hand. That bottle was my love, my best friend, my confidante and my relief. But when I think about it, I never once daydreamed about being a drunk. I never daydreamed about drinking alone in the park. My imagination was non-existent. I did realize today now sober, I still like to escape just not to my bottle.
A Journey through Characters..
Yes Olivia Pope got me with that quote. I love to escape in a book or movie scene. To live through a character and feel what they feel. Escaping to another reality with a twist of my own truth. When I look back on my relationships, easy was not a word I would use. Some were easier than others but one thing I realized is that my imagination leads me to over the top expectations, wanting nothing but extraordinary love. Painful, urgent, messy, confusing and mysterious. Simple, I had it once and it left me wanting to escape away from it all maybe out of boredom. I found myself imagining another person, more drama and more tears. Is that even normal? I always wanted that bad boy or girl, or expecting the moon and stars and if it wasn’t soul snatching love, I wanted no parts of it. But was I escaping in fear of real love? Or escaping to unrealistic dreams? Is it that deep? Welcome to my messy mind.
Music my favorite escape….
Ohhh weee a song with lyrics that speak to my soul and ooze through my veins, yes please. I find myself tuning out to music. That indulging beat, that high pitch on the chorus when the words create a rhythm that feels like the best high. Music has saved me literally in so many ways. Through heartbreaks, channeling rage and inspiration to channel all my super powers. I had a great escape during covid when I went through a breakup sober alone and nothing but Jhene', Aiko’s Chilombo album. I will write more about that one day. But that album, the tones of the crystal bowls weaved in the music, healed so many pieces of me. So many songs to name that left me daydreaming, wishing, and going to places I have never been. My imagination is super charged with inspiration from music. Music that helps bring out my creativity is inspired by a great song and resonating lyrics. Sometimes I have imagined myself to be a song writer. Wearing my emotions on my sleeve, I know from my life experiences there has to be a Billboard hit waiting to be heard. Though I can’t sing, I imagine which artist I would want to sing my songs. It would have been Whitney but I digress.
The Past……
I am one to relive the past, good and bad. But mostly the bad. I will torture myself escaping to the past and what could have been, what I should have done and who I could have chose. Not a good place. I think why do I want to escape back to a story that was painful, why do I want to replay scenes? I find some comfort sometimes in memories and I tend to stay there longer than I probably should. It leads to resurfacing feelings, unhealed trauma, and sometimes nostalgia. I am stuck now at 47 years old thinking of the past. What if I chose that path, that person or job? And imagining what my future looks like when my youngest son goes to college? I am single, almost 50 with no love life and a fear what I will do when there is no more football mom duties. Then I think back about all the times I wasn’t there for my kids because I was in my active addiction. And there I go to escape to a place I already escaped! It is a never-ending review of my life. Is this what they call a mid-life crisis? Or is it just my messy ADHD loveliness? When I daydream today it looks like another country, near the ocean. I have a dog named Ava Luna (and currently do not have a dog lol) and with my partner building an empire.
Call it escaping, imagining whatever. I give myself grace that if I need to escape it is a way to heal something, learn something or just to distract me to get inspired. Sometimes I just need a minute or two or three to be somewhere else in my mind. I am better at recognizing when I am “traveling” on an escapade that it is just that. Traveling and I can come back to the present when I am ready.
-Signed, A Gemini Moon