From Satisfied to UnSatisfied

How Fear stole my inspiration and so much more

Satisfaction is the word I chose for 2025. I really put intention (or so I thought) into choosing my word. Like really putting in some effort as I do every year. I was excited because last year’s word “gratitude” was the front and center of my days and weeks. And then a realization came to me last month. This year was the opposite of how I expected my word to play out in my life.

I learned some lessons that turned into some honest truths. I allowed a demon, an ugly mofo called fear cloud, to dictate, run and rob my peace, joy and inspiration.

Like Mega says in Future Me, “I hope the things that hold me down will one day set me free.” It took me more than half the year to want to break free, get free or see that fear was my opportunity. Fear was my inspiration, the calling from my spirit and ancestors to get up and take my power back. But I first had to get comfortable looking at my fears and how I got here.

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Fear Took my time……

I struggle a lot as a neuro-divergent. I sometimes let my ADHD excuses leave me comfortable for not doing things I want to do. I will say I am over-stimulated, I have too many things to do and I am overwhelmed. What I really meant is that I need to tend to my nervous system using the tools I know I have and remembering what makes me feel good. Time was an illusion to me. Thinking I have no time to do anything. Yes, I work a 9-5, I am a mom who is active with my son’s football, I am active in my sober community and on and on. And yet, what I really meant is that my people pleasing tendencies need to be dealt with. The reason time was an illusion for me was because I was saying yes to everyone, and anything that kept me busy, like this was something to brag about. All I did was deplete myself of time, energy and then it turned into not showing up for myself because I spent too much time on everyone else. And when I did show up for everyone it felt like I had to, it became a chore and often I was exhausted trying to be present. Then at the end of the days, weeks and months, I felt truly that I never had time for myself. Fear took the time because I couldn’t say no to people-pleasing, and I had no energy to show up for myself and then rinse and repeat. I have literally felt like my life this year was unsatisfying because I allowed satisfaction to mean I must be “doing” something to feel. Wheww!!

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Fear took my Inspiration….

The battle of consuming vs creating. I doom-scrolled down comparison rabbit holes and more. The scrolling turned into less engaging on other’s posts or content. I began to start to feel guilty that I didn’t write about that same topic that I just scrolled through. I would then go to my own pages and look at the last time I actually posted. I would start to look at the things I had to do instead of what I wanted to do. And because of this I allowed fear to take away that inspired direction I relied on and know to work when I am in tune. My over consumption and comparing myself to others made me afraid to show up authentically. I realized this was more deep when I saw that I stopped posting my podcast episodes regularly. I would also be afraid to promote them even when I did them. The thoughts of I am not an expert, I don’t sound like everyone else, etc. Fear took my connection to my inner being where truth is. That truth is me, that is connected and inspired by my own thoughts, my uniqueness and where I get my guidance. So as I can imagine, I was truly not satisfied with any creation I did or attempted to do. After doing this for so many months, I decided to stop my podcast for a while to give myself more time to write. LOL, and what did I do instead? Consumed more content, reading, not engaging and then occasionally thinking of a great idea and then feeling some guilt or fear it wasn’t interesting and you know the rest. I did not see that the dissatisfaction I was feeling was my inner being helping me to take my power back.

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Fear is now my bestie….

I decided last month ok let’s get down to the truths and get free. I am human, I am not perfect and I have a spirit team that I need to get back to and listen to. I am not a robot and should not be doing so much, but I need to just BE more. Satisfaction is not doing, it is a feeling. And this year I learned that doing just leaves me depleted because I have to find something to do and keep my to-do list full to be satisfied. I will no longer live life on auto-pilot. I will do better to intentionally consume and rest more, do less, and just be. My inspiration came back a little when I looked at fear differently. I created this new publication as a muse to my Gemini Moon (too many tabs open in my mind). I am going to show up with a messy mind, messy words but I am satisfied with that because I feel more like me. I didn’t have to DO anything but feel. That gives me hope to look at fear everyday in a new way. So I ask myself anytime fear sets in, “What are you afraid of?”. We can look at inspiration to come in rainbows, clouds or when we are in a good mood. But the universe is funny like that. She will come in the form of a demon, an ugly mofo like fear. What a bitch. But I am grateful I got inspired to take my power back.